New stage of life, new fetish? Can a new fetish emerge at an advanced age, or are suppressed needs more likely to come through? How flexible is sexual imprinting?
With all of us the ears ring at the word fetish. We immediately think of lacquer and leather, high boots or shackles. But that’s not the end of the story. Which fetishes creep in with long-term couples and why we, even as sexually active “older” lovers, suddenly have a desire for new specialties, Marthe Kniep explored in conversation with Swiss psychotherapist and Dr. in Sexology (USA) Dania Schiftan.
How our preferences develop
It’s often the case that after a certain age, you know quite well what puts you in the mood. And yet, sometimes new interests or types of play come along more or less unexpectedly. Some people around the age of 30 or 40 ask themselves why they didn’t have these new incentives in their plans earlier. Or: What happened to you all of a sudden?
There is an explanation for this, expert Schiftan knows. Every now and then in life, there would be door openers for something new, even if a fetish doesn’t always have to arise from it. “It’s true that we have all developed different preferences and codes of attraction over a lifetime. But we encourage some preferences more, invest in them more than others.” And so some preferences become established, while others have yet to be discovered or salvaged.
“Where the journey takes you sexually over time depends on the individual, and often on chance: because a friend recommended a tantra seminar, for example, or a new partner brings something new in, or you read something. For example, “50 Shades of Grey” has led many women to think about what they might find sexually exciting. That they dared to openly read erotic literature.”
What is a fetish?
The topic of fetish is not first about me buying a new toy for stimulation that I no longer want to do without. Whereas sex toys can also become a fetish. However, sex therapists define a fetish differently. “Somewhat simplified, you can say that a fetish is a fixation and specialization on a few objects and actions.” explains Schiftan. “This can be ANYTHING; BDSM, certain clothing or jewelry but also swinging.”
Take, for example, swinging in couples who are initially just looking for variety. Swinging can become a fetish when sex can only happen there and outside is dead. “It’s the confinement to that area and then the exclusivity that makes it a fetish.
But a fetish can also refer to objects. For example, I have a client who can only get aroused when he drapes his wife in certain jewelry. It started when he liked to give her presents and enjoyed putting jewelry on her. And then, over time, it became a real fetish.” she reports as a sexologist from her wealth of experience. So nothing worked for him without jewelry.
Developments like this are theoretically possible in every adult age, if a door opens for it. Who has special preferences, but still lives sex in different ways, however, does not yet have a fetish.
When a fetish becomes a problem
Whatever preference someone develops, “A fetish is not a problem per se, as long as it is within the legal range,” Schiftan explains. But from her many years of practice, the sexologist knows that a fetish can be a burden. Namely, the one who has it and the one who has to “play along” with it. “If someone is constricted by their fixation and, for example, can no longer find a partner with whom they can live it out, then a fetish very well becomes a problem.”
Popular female fetish: romance
What many don’t realize is that romance can also become a fetish. The expert knows from her many years of practice “that especially women in long-term relationships develop a romance fetish much more often than you think.” The problem is not the occasional desire for a certain mood, which everyone has at times. Rather, it’s about the problem of exclusivity. The expert explains that “many women can only become aroused if the initiation and sex proceed exclusively according to a certain, romantically colored timetable. For the men, this can be very tiring when the wrong scented candle or music then leads to the woman suddenly having no more desire. The exciting thing is that a romantic fetish is totally socially accepted. But few talk about the fact that it can also become a problem.”
Help for sexual problems
There are far more sexual problems than a fetish. Talking about it is especially difficult for many because sexuality is such an intimate area where we are also very vulnerable to disclosure. Those who experience their sexual behavior as burdensome or unfulfilling and would like to change something about it can turn to a sex therapist or a therapist with a focus on “sexuality”. For him or her, the topic in its diversity is quite commonplace, and of course all therapists are bound by confidentiality.
However, the training histories and job titles for this professional specialization can vary widely in Germany, which sometimes complicates the search. Increasingly, the concept of the “sexocorporel” is gaining acceptance among specialists (sexologists). As in any therapy, it is therefore particularly important to have a detailed conversation with the therapist – also about his or her background experience – in order to get to know him or her.